the real me

i waited one week for your reply.. but it is still not here.. does it matter?.. will your reply still make a difference in my life?.. the inspiration and anticipation from your emails seem to have a lesser and lesser effect as the years go by.. it probably had more of an effect last time..

i was again thinking of what u asked from the last email.. that u really wanted to know how i was.. i feel that i don't tell u as much now.. compared to last time.. i wanted to find out so i started reading some of the emails i sent u one or two years back.. i still write about the same things.. always asking the same questions. i realised that the problem evolved through the years and u can clearly see how everything went wrong.. from which point of time.. from which bad decisions that u've made.. it is mind blowing.. to realise how horrible a person i've become..

so do i want to stop?.. is there nothing else in the world worth living for besides whatever i am doing.. am i destined to be like this for the rest of my life?.. drugs, booze, gambling.. all these feel so much more real than you.. they are always here when i am bored.. letting me enjoy the pleasures i was never meant to know..

i want to stop.. to give up all these.. but only because of you.. do you not understand?.. i am so afraid to let u know how i really am.. so scared to let u see how ugly i actually am.. would knowing the truth only make you like me even less? can you not see what i am trying to do.. or do i have to write it out in plain english like this?.. i am sick of telling u i'm okie when everything is wrong in my life.. tired of having to add hahas to sound as if nothing really matters anymore..

what is the point of leaving hidden messages for u to discover or secret puzzles for u to solve.. why do i waste my time in sending u all these songs when.. when i don't even bother to make an effort in life.. i know the things that i have to do.. the mistakes that i've made.. the changes i need to start in my life.. yet i am so tired of doing it.. i chose to give up everything.. just to be able to stay in this moment. but i am crying everyday.. weeping over the guilt i feel every night.. however, when morning comes.. and as i greet this lonely and cruel world without you.. there is no more god.. no more faith.. no more hope.. laziness sets in and u feel that life is not worth living anymore..

it is so hard to change.. to give up the worst things in your life that gives u the greatest pleasures.. it is even harder to keep u as my hope and inspiration.. and with every passing day.. every passing month.. every passing year.. the dream of you being the one to change my entire life.. is slowly fading away.. i tried to hold on to you.. tried to put all my faith in you.. i wanted something to love.. a hope to live for tomorrow.. so that i would give up all these..

but things just never seem to happen.. my problems.. my life.. they only got worst.. maybe it was never meant to be.. maybe it is the distance.. maybe i never really put enough effort into anything.. maybe i should really really give up.. maybe it is not the time yet.. maybe i am trying to live life too quickly.. maybe it is just me.. maybe it is to make the transformation in future more miraculous.. but whatever it might be.. the lonliness and sadness is felt today.. don't tell me the future will be a better place.. it won't be if i don't let it be..

it would be selfish to ask you to spend more time on me..
it would be crazy to ask for your love in this moment of desperation..
but would it be too much if i wanted to love you for the rest of my life?..

*the world is a horrible place because i expect too much..
expect too much from everyone but myself..