sunday service

u looked so beautiful on sunday.. ever so pretty.. ever so perfect..
i used to admire u from far.. and dream about us while u sing..
but now.. i don’t have the courage to look at u anymore..
i felt so small.. so inferior to u..
you are everything.. i am nothing..
you are a goddess.. i am a useless piece of shit..
i always imagine that when i come back.. i would change totally.
i would stop doing the things i am not suppose to do..
you ask me not to change for you.. why would u ask me that..
can u not imagine a beautiful future of us.. can u not even help
i know u probably have been waiting for me to change..
u probably also have been trying hard last time..
but it never got thru.. and u probably are tired after so long..
sigh.. u know.. the things i do have become me..
they are no longer bad habits.. they are me..
i am so afraid i might end up like your father..
speaking of him.. i hope he is recovering speedily..
i want to ask about my ‘future father-in-law’..
but i don’t seem to try hard enough..
not once have i gone to the hospital.. not once have i ask you about him..
maybe i am too selfish.. i wish i have the heart to love others more..

somehow.. i don’t feel the holy spirit in me…
somehow.. i feel that this tree of mine is not bearing any fruits..
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..
i see only a few in me.. and i don’t really give a damn..
even if i claim to live by the Spirit.. i don’t think i have really kept in step with it..
will u only love someone who is full of HS.. someone who is as perfect as u..
is he the one.. and me not the one..
tell me.. i want to hear it from your mouth..
then i will be able to give up.. to wake up from this pathetic dream that is going nowhere.
don’t tell me you are not perfect enough for me.. that’s bull…
tell me you don’t love me.. tell me there is no future if i don’t change..
for then i might change for good.. or give u up forever..

i hate u Benjamin Deng Guo Fan.. i will hate u forever..
i will never talk to u again.. as long as u are still in love with her..
but i have to admit.. u deserve her more than me..
u probably can give her more things i can’t give her..
u know wat.. fuck u .. i hope she will never love u..

*is it me not trying hard enough..
or is it u not giving me a chance to try anymore..
**tell me.. please fucking tell me..