The Email You Didn’t Know – 24th June

dearest huizhen,
i wrote this while i was in camp doing guard duty.. i intend to type it into an email the first thing i reach home.. it is 7.40pm on a sat night and i am stuck here doing nothing.. i’ve spent the whole morning sleeping and eating.. had 4 hrs of duty in the afternoon doing prowling and sentry.. it’s funny they use the word prowling instead of patrolling.. me and one Malay which i just met today had to walk 2 rounds around the academy and sign our names at different check points.. that Malay was a “master” at doing duty and he taught me to sign our names twice so we did not have to do the second round... after that we spent 2 hrs at the gate lifting the barrier up and down for cars to enter & exit.. it is simple but silly and i did that for probably 50 cars…

i haven seen you much since i entered civil defense.. the last time i remembered was the service which you sat beside me.. wow, what a nice service that was.. at least i didn’t fall asleep underneath the cap.. i seem to do it very often now when i come.. then you went for the retreat.. i heard your father was admitted to the hospital and you and your sister were deciding whether to go.. but u guys went in the end.. was it fun?.. everyone complained that they did not have enough sleep.. too bad i was on course, otherwise i would have gone as well…

it feels weird suddenly writing an email to you.. haven sent you any in a long time.. i realize the times i sent you mails are when i’m very happy about something or when i am feeling very sad and down about life.. so fast pass out from basic military training phase.. going to pass out from my medic course too in 2 weeks time.. i use to think of you whenever i have the time or when i don’t feel like listening to the lesson.. i don’t know how national service has changed me.. but i have become more bitter.. slowly slipping back to that poor and sorry state i was a few years ago.. before national service, i told you that i was anticipating a huge change.. be it good, be it bad.. now i can tell you that things are slowly going downhill again.. i met some friends that reminded me about the life i once led.. the one with no responsibilities, no remorse and no regrets.. my manic depression is slowly returning.. i seem to find fellowship and Sunday service more and more irritating.. i came back to fellowship after disappearing for one month.. it was bible study.. used to be one of my favourite as it gave me the chance to ask questions about God.. to clear my doubts about faith.. yet i sat through that lesson feeling frustrated, bored and restless.. it felt like pure torture hearing all the good stuff and message.. in the end, i left the room and went downstairs to clear my mind.. i only returned when it was about to end.. sigh, i’m sure i’ll be getting baptized at the end of the year.. are faith and religion merely things i think about when i am in a good mood??.. maybe i am just a radical free thinker, like how my mother always describe me..

i want to tell you i’ve decided to let you go slowly.. for your sake and mine.. i don’t want to weep and feel hurt whenever i see you and pot of rice progressing.. slowly but steadily.. somehow, somewhere in my heart, i feel that he is a better person than me.. one that can love you and make you happier than i can.. i give the both of you my blessings (yeah like you guys need it).. this time i won’t cry saying goodbye.. it will be a cheerful farewell.. goodbye my greatest love.. i will always love you..

* M-Flo feat. Yoshika – Let Go

4 months ----- almost love

i had planned for us to go out this week..
so wanted to.. badly wanted to watch the korean movie with u..
but instead.. u have tuition..
instead i have a test on friday..
instead i have guard duty on sat..
are these just mere concidences..
somehow i feel that we are not meant to go out..
is there some greater power that is stopping the both of us..
when u asked me whether i was going fellowship this sat..
did u want to ask whether we could go out for lunch?..
hmm... that was what i thought..
was it what u were thinking?..
was it???.. was it..
anyway i wanted to write u a card...
telling u the password to the email account i setup for u..
it has been four months since i sent songs or emails to you.
it just seems wierd now..
i wanted to start sending u songs again.
but u haven checked that email for almost nine months now..
soon it is going to be one year..
i was disappointed when u said u have tutition on wed night..
but oh well.. maybe it's because i expect u to agree too easily..
don't know whether to ask u again out next week..
i don't like to ask 2 times..
cause if u say no again next week..
this petty freak might just ignore u for another 2 months.

*sigh... stupid bipolar disorder moron..
u can be so nice sometimes..
but u're horrible like fuck the next moment..

Dream Gal vs Miss XX

i am not comparing..
why should i.. they are 2 different people..
one makes me wanna cry..
the other makes me wanna laugh..
after sadness comes happiness..
and while happiness can't last forever..
u either become a little bit normal or not so happy after feeling happy..
logically.. one would choose laughter over tears..
yet i refuse to give up my stupid fantasy..

u know.. as each month and year passes by..
i feel that we are growing apart..
slowly but surely..
yet i can see u and pot of rice grow stronger each day..
i am starting to face reality..
somehow i feel that he might be someone better for u..
i'm not under-rating myself..
i just want u to be happy..
and if i can't give u that.. i hope that pot of rice can..
last sunday started out as a fairytale..
i came with my cousin abit late and spotted u sitting alone..
boy.. was i over the moon when we chose to sit beside u..
this is probably the first time we sat side by side in church..
u are either in the choir or sitting beside someone but me..
i stole glances at u.. your side view.. your feet.. your hands..
everything except to stare right in your face..
u were wiggling your front toes..
haha.. probably because of the hymns.. not me right..
i watched u every moment from the corner of my eye..
u looked so beautiful.. so exquisite... so lovely..
yet this beautiful creature cannot be mine..
knowing u want something.. but not being able to get it.
i hate that feeling..

this one makes me laugh.. responding to my jokes..
u have more of the qualities i am looking for in a gal..
sometimes i think i expect too much from the gal i imagine i will be with..
u seem to be gradually growing into a girl i prefer..
but u're so young.. and not that innocent anymore..
u "flirt" more with me now.. haha..
i read our message history we had tonight all over again..
and i can't help smiling..
somewhere.. somehow.. i feel something for u ..
i don't know what it is.. and i don't dare to describe it.
i like someone that drives me nuts..
someone that makes me laugh..
someone to laugh at my silly jokes..
and someone who cries with me when i am sad..
u're more that of a person than dream gal..
although both of u are not as emotional as i wished u were..
hahaa.. me and my stupid fantasies..

* i feel like using the real names of all the characters in my blog..
haha.. so that u guys might accidentally discover it..
sending emails and songs suddenly seem so yesterday..
** need to think of new and fresh ideas..

miss xx's 17th birthday

hmmm.. i almost missed your birthday celebration..
your idiot friend didn't invite me..
well it was probably fated for me to come anyway..
i was already going down to orchard on that day too..
to buy your birthday present..
and my sister found out from my cousin last min..
hai hai..
silly me almost forgot that your birthday was on the 8th..
lucky i didn't msg u anything on the 5th.. lol..
i promised u a really big present on valentine's day..
don't know whether u remember or not..
was my present BIG enough??.. it wasn't much i think..
wanted to get u a bag at first..
thought of Crumpler.. but even i don't carry a $160 bag..
then i thought of buying a Stussy or Puma bag..
but they might be too sporty for u..
then i decided not to get u anything as i spent all of my money..
wished u happy birthday and u replied me a pretty sweet msg..
although my sixth sense tells me that's prob how u reply everybody
"hahaha.. thanks qx((: xq loves you(:"
lol.. qx loves u like mad too man.. well..
sort of .. in a way.. funny way.. some way..
so i thought that i would get u something in the end..
2nd last thing i thought to get for u was a pair of Paul Frank slippers
i was at the shop already.. found out your size too..
but decided it was too slippery and it might be dangerous for u..
so it was the Paul Frank monkey in the end..
cause my sister said it was so cute..
orange somemore.. my favourite colour.. if u remember..

didn't see u for a few months..
never really msg u or get to talk to u on the phone..
thought of u a little.. not much.. hehe..
at least i did ..
called u once in camp but u were at esplanade with your jc friends..
was kinda disappointed..
never mind.. this is just a post for memory purposes..
u still drive me nuts.. really..
just when i thought u grew up liao after going jc..
alot of good looking guys right in jc..
think they're probably more good looking than me..
haha.. not that i want u to compare or wat..
i want to write down your other msg too..
the one which u sent me when i told u about your best friend and her bf..
"lol. seeing them makes u miss me more right!"
haha.. that was hilarious.. i couldn't stop smiling..

*going to take u out for a korean movie..
try not to miss it ya..
oh and a dinner when u come back from the retreat..
**my my, u lucky gal..

I Miss You

i miss you.. i miss you so much i feel like dying..
i haven seen you for one month..
all the shit i have been doing..
why do i keep running away..
i msged u today..
and told u i haven seen you for so long..
u told me to come back to church so i could see u..
i am coming back ..
i miss church..
miss your pretty face whenever u sing in the choir..
all i want is to tell you i love u..
my love.. this song is for u..

*Byul - I Think I