Does It Matter

i was deciding whether to write u an email or do a new post on this blog..
does it matter..
either one will still be about u..
about how much i'm missing u..
about how i can't stop thinking of u..

sometimes when i can't stop thinking of someone..
i will try and cut off all contact with that person..
i realised i have started to msg u more and more last few weeks..
but then u're like always busy..
or just gently push me away..
so i've tried to ignore u for one week now..
baaaa.. but it hurts..
i'm constantly reminding myself that i'm supposed to ignore u..
at the same time forcing myself not to sms u anything..
yet i check my hp like 2 or 3 times every hour..
imagining that u will sms me something.. anything..

it feels wierd not being able to see u as often..
i just can't ask u out whenever i want..
neither have we gone out just the two of us..
did not really appreciate the times that we went out..
like this or like that only what..
but now it is so different..
i'm dying inside..
wishing i can just somehow bump into u coincidentally..
whenever.. whatever.. anything..
just something to ease this unbearable feeling inside me..

i'm not studying..
i can't find an excuse not to study..
neither can i stop thinking of u..
everywhere i look in my room..
your picture underneath my monitor..
the pepsi can and starbucks serviette u gave me..
the framed photo in my glass cabinet..
ahhh...
everything just reminds me of u..

* i'm getting stressed and worried about my exams..
** but does it matter.. nothing matters more than u right now..

so she knows

all thanks to KAREN LEE MIAO XUAN..
who decided to tell miss xx that i like her..
is that a good thing..
sometimes i want miss xx to know..
yet i don't know want to give her any pressure..
would miss xx think that i am expecting something from her..
well i guess i'm not at the moment..
or at least i won't feel so bad if nothing happens
but if that is the case..
is there any need to let her know now..
i mean it is pretty obvious right..
my feelings for her..
the way i act in front of miss xx..
how i treat her..
it is different.. u don't need to like mention the obvious..
at times i wonder what miss xx thinks about us..
that's the one thing that i really want to know..

irritating karen said that miss xx is not looking for a relationship now..
was it because of soccer guy that caused u to become like that?..
okie lor.. i just want to be more than normal friends..
i don't think i'm in any state for any long term thingy anyway..
still so playful and pretty unstable..
miss xx is like wifey material..
one and one for the rest of her life..
haha.. am i right?..
hai even though i'm still pissed at karen..
i'm somewhat secretly glad that she told miss xx..
maybe miss xx suspects it but now really confirm liao lor..
i hope the next few months will be slightly more exciting..
it is boring like shit right now..
as i'm struggling with studying for my exams or rather the lack of it..
after karen told miss xx.. which i didn't know before hand..
we haven gone out since..
was that because miss xx found out my feelings for her..
or is it just that school has reopened..
furthermore i decided to skip fellowship liao..
then even lesser chances to go out with miss xx alone..
hai hai.. i should really start going back to fellowship..
for god.. for miss xx.. for myself

no use thinking so much right now also..
feeling sad is only torturing myself..
i guess i'm somewhat expecting something now that she knows..
BUT YOU KNOW IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ANYTHING RIGHT NOW!..
well i know that she knows..
but she thinks i don't know that she knows..
wonder what will it be when i look at her now..
if i give her a weird look..
she might think that i think that she knows..
then she is going to act blur and pretend she don't know anything..
when she already know everything.. hahah..
haiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii....

* i already thought of what i want to do with u on valentine's day..
** but then i don't know whether u will be free also..

Sms from Miss xx

went to tampines for dinner with guocheng and shiting..
lol.. shi ting.. lol..
then went to meet my cousin and the rest from church..
don't know why i felt a little bit angry..
maybe it's because i'm starting to think of miss xx more often..
and i like tell myself i don't want to see her..
haha.. how contradicting..
then after i saw her i felt so sad..
i wanted to talk to her but i just couldn't open my mouth..
so i just secretly looked at her and sulked..
tried to take a video of her..
but ended up feeling even more pissed..
left early to show guocheng the video i made for miss xx..
just some photos together with a song..
he said got a lot of nice pictures..
then.. i collected them for almost 2 yrs now..
miss xx msged me before she slept..
she said 'u seemed tired or moody or dontknowwhat..?'
hahah.. thanks for noticing..
but i felt like that because of u..
nah.. cause i'm starting to think of u more and more..
hai.. should i ..

* 是不可能的爱情吧..
** 不可能.. 不可能的...

i'm going crazy

i feel so shit..
don't know what to think or do..
there are times when i tell myself it is impossible..
and not to think so much about it..
but i can't..
i just can't get rid of that feeling..
it started out as something fun..
something so innocent and lovely..
that it was going to be a simple friendship..
i never thought i would start liking u..
now that i'm starting to fall in love with u..
can we go back to the first time when it didn't hurt so bad..
why am i going back to read paul's secret blog again..
it just makes me so angry reading his posts from 2 yrs back..
what pisses me off even more is the cute things that miss xx did..
jealousy.. it's raging inside me..
i told myself not to care about paul..
but i just can't help myself to read his blog..
to be honest i'm starting to understand miss xx more..
from the way she reacts to her 'i think too much cuteness'..
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..
i just want to scream..
cause i feel so tormented inside..
why can't my love be more understanding..
why can't my love be greater than this immature selfish love..
why is it that i can't seem to act my fucking age..
stupid useless childish son of a &*$%..
i want to ignore miss xx for a few months..
to help myself get over her..
but i know i can't..

* it's too late to even try..
** i need to try.. really really..

Paul the Love Foe

was supposed to go sembawang church this morning..
woke up but felt so pissed off that mummy came into my room..
not once but twice..
in a rage i just locked my door and waited until they left..
god seems so insignificant in my life..
that i treat service so lightly..
miss xx must be already halfway thru her service..

paul's secret blog is back online..
somehow stumbled across it again this morning..
started to reread some of his old posts..
especially the one about me..
his previous posts felt so like me..
hmmm.. he liked miss xx..
but never really told her anything..
he tried to be nice to her..
and recorded down her reactions..
his thoughts and disappointments..
miss xx seems to act like how she is to me now..
then i realised miss xx is just like that..
and not that she is starting to like me more or wat..
ah.. so it is like that afterall..

came back from ktv last night with guocheng and karen
was a bit tispy from the vodka i brought..
acted a bit crazy than normal..
pretty high from the singing and talking..
she asked me to name 3 reasons why i liked miss xx..
i came up with..
1) miss xx is cute..
2) miss xx laughs at my jokes..
3) miss xx shows me special attention..
lol.. so boring.. and i was struggling with the answers..
i guess sometimes it is really hard to state why u like someone..
still remember just one year ago..
miss xx and i started to become friends..
when i was still madly in love with dream gal..
and never really imagine i will start to like miss xx more..
now that it has come to this..
should i just tell miss xx that i like her..
but then and i quote from paul..
"which idiot will do so many things for a girl if he dun like her"..
hahah.. and to think i was asking paul not to give up..
it's been one year.. and maybe he still haven really given up..
from friends to love foes.. hmmm..
paul.. oh paul..

* should i let miss xx read your secret blog..
** but i just might be helping u.. instead of myself..

not as crazy as before liao

for a few weeks in december..
i became so crazy about miss xx..
we sort of became so close for a few weeks..
and i started to imagine so many things..
hmmm..
now that her school has reopened..
i don't get to see her as often anymore..
i still miss her and think of her pretty often..

now when i hear news about dream gal and pot of rice..
i don't get so affected by it anymore..
well.. it is a good thing..
but it also means that i will gradually and eventually forget dream gal..
it is a good thing..
letting go of this beautiful but sad memory..

* goodbye dream gal..
** it was nice dreaming of u..