24

sometimes it is quite hard to imagine i am already 24..
so many people comment i don't behave my age..
my maturity level..
my understanding of life..
i don't deny i was spoiled by mummy since i was young..
i grew up in a fortunate family where i everything i desired was provided..
daddy was pretty strict with me and placed alot of emphasis on my academic..
however i felt it led to me being very rebellious after i was given more freedom..
alot of people tell me i inherit daddy's horrible temper..
who not surprisingly inherit it from his dad..
i wouldn't totally agree i was the cause of all my failed relationships with my other half..
but i have to admit i was more to blame than them..
many times i look back at my mistakes and failures..
telling myself i would try and change for the better in future..
despite so i always seem to end up with the same outcome..
i am fully aware of my good points..
caring..
affectionate..
humourous..
always planning..
always trying to please and surprise..
yet all these are overshadowed..
by my wilfulness..
by my inability to practice more self control with my life..
by my stubbornness when i am unable to obtain the things i want..
by my lack of emotional restraint..
by my petty and bad tempered nature..
i can carry on and continue with many many more..
but i somewhat thankful for the fact..
i am still able to differentiate between good and bad..
at times i am worried that the moral boundaries inside me become so blurred..
that my conscience would cease to judge my ownself..
i detest that lingering guilt whenever i light a cigarette..
neither do i crave as much the diminishing pleasures of alcohol..
but the occasional thoughts of drugs still riddle my body with indescribable excitement..
i wouldn't condemn myself as a hopeless retard..
yet i am unable to live a life i truely believe would make me happy..
some say happiness can only be determined by your ownself..
that it is only by one's own effort that he is able to achieve his happiness..
fight and struggle bravely i always encourage myself..
but i very often give up way too soon..
people like to dream big..
yet most of the time they are unable to live up to their dreams..
come on myself..
one day i'll live up to my own dreams..

* when the going gets tough, the tough get going..
** big shots are only little shots who keep shooting..