MISS XX

u liar, u said u will come online and talk to me..
but u didn't.. lol..
well, to be honest.. i wasn't around too..
my friends came over to play poker, so i was downstairs the whole night..
i left you an online msg with my msn nick... guess u didn't have a chance to see it..
and i msged you this afternoon to check..
haahah.. and u actually said u weren't there..

i wasn't angry.. if that was what you were thinking about my msn nick..
i was just sulking like a baby.. and you took the bait..
hahah.. u tried hard.. funnily hard...
and you drove me nuts..
hahah.. cute and adorable as usual..
god.. why weren't you born a few years earlier.. haha..

*don't stop making me laugh..
cause.. that would make me sad..

the brother i never knew i had

i have a twin brother.. he is shorter, balder.. and talks with a bit of stutter..
he is not as good looking, doesn't know how to charm the girls and maybe not as humourous as me..
but he has a kinder heart, is more hardworking and more down to earth..
ah boony..

my brother has always been bullied by me from young..
daddy favours me more as my results were better than him.. and
mummy dotes on me more because i know how to ask for the attention i want..
i guess little brother was a bit left out by the family since primary school..
little sister was running away from home and my parents were worrying about her..
they also probably didn't give him much attention as they thought he was doing fine and did not have much problems..

but he did have problems.. problems of low self esteem and lack of confidence..
he ended up with a bunch of friends that probably made use of him more than he wanted them to..
he is i guess pretty much in love with this girl from church, bingy..
they sound good togther.. boony and bingy..
i wish that the both of you will eventually be together..
u know.. like happily ever after..

well boony, we realised how much we have neglected you in the past..
and we are trying to make amends.. as much as you are trying to change..
thank you for being by my side for these 5 years..
it has been a horrible 5 years but they were all worth it..
as they made me see how great a brother i have..
you were the one that fed me whenever i was hungry..
you were the one that provided for everything whenever there was a problem..
you were always there..

u know.. i don't really feel like listing all the things u did in my life..
the gambling debts.. all the money.. the dinners.. your place to study.. free gold class movies
everything fucking thing.. cause i will never forget them..
we are all grown up now.. ready to face the world as men..
all you need now is god.. have faith boony..
don't ever lose your faith.. cause if you lose it..
i think it will be very hard to find someone like yourself to take care of you..
haha.. fuck you boony..

*you are the man of the house now.. enjoy it...

Daddy and Mummy

this entry is dedicated to two of the greatest people alive..
my beloved parents, the ones that gave me life and brought me to this world..
thank you daddy and mummy.. i love you so much..
thank you for loving and bringing me up until now..
thank you for your love, MONEY, education and everything u guys have given me..

now i can only beg for forgiveness, for being such an unfilial son..
i am so fortunate to have such a wonderful family..
i had everything i wanted since young.. tasted and tried everything under the sun..
yet, because of such a good life, i continue to expect more and more..
relying too much on god, on friends.. on family..

why?..
is ultimate happiness only achievable through sadness?..
is there is no i'll be okie tomorrow quick fix to my problem?..
can i just dream tonight and make up in your arms tomorrow?..
why do i keep asking questions and don't bother making an effort to change?..
can you not let me love you first so that you may fall in love with me?..

daddy, mummy, if u guys ever get to see this post..
i just wanted u to know that i am sorry..
please forgive me for all the sinful things i've done..
forgive me for being so stubborn..
i still cry when you scold me, cause it hurts like hell..
i pray i will never stop crying.. so as to remind me that i am still your beloved son..
to tell me that i have not finished walking into hell..

*pa, ma, i love you..

the nicest guy on earth

someone told me i was the nicest guy on earth yesterday..
but the nicest guy is usually the worst guy around too..
he can charm u, say the things u want to hear, and just listen to u go on and on..
but beware of this kind of guy, he is problematic and brings only pain and suffering..

this kind of guy takes drugs, gambles, smokes and drinks..
he is sad, depressed, pessimestic and lazy..
he makes no effort in life, fails his exams, and over relies on the people around him..
this kind of guy lies to his parents, never tells the truth to his friends and only knows how to enjoy his life to the max..

would u love such a guy?..
would u be willing to sacrifice everything for his love?..

i am dying slowly.. my body getting weaker with the abuse..
my strength, my determination, my intelligence.. my creativity..
my faith of god, of the world, of the people..
my love for life, for myself.. are diminishing everyday..
but the sadest thing that i am losing..
is my love for you.. my hope, my inspiration..
you are the only one i still believe in..
the one to give me a new reason to live..
the one to show me the meaning of loving someone again..

i want a miracle..
to write the greatest love story ever told..
to go through the darkest moments with the person i am going to spend the rest of my life with..

*u are that person, that angel, that fairytale.. that miracle..

Things to Teach Your Kids

Call the girl every month on the day of her birthday, always at the same time..

Send the girl a birthday card every year..

Send the girl a nice song every month on the day of her birthday..

Write poems about her and your love for her and email it to her with the songs..

Prepare a set of teddy bears or figurines of her whole name, give it to her one by one every year on her birthday..

Make sure u start a diary of your first kiss, first date, first place where u held hands, etc.. when u start dating the girl..

Start a scrap book of photos, movie tickets, receipts, cards, everything you have about her..

Take her to somewhere nice or do something exciting every month on your anniversary..

Ask her if she wants to start a savings account if you think that she is the one, make sure both parties contribute the same amount..

Be sure to get her 2 rings when u guys get married, and remember to tell her the wedding ring, engagement ring and suffering joke..

Think of something creative when you propose to her, use the internet and make sure it is going to be remembered forever..

Plant a tree on the day you get married, and come back every year to see how both of you guys and the tree have grown..

Take a picture of her looking nice every year, show her how beautiful she has grown when u guys are like 60 or 70..

Leave her 'I Love You' or 'I Miss You' notes for her to discover at least 2 to 3 times a week..

Always give in to her outside, make sure she rarely gets upset in front of everybody..

Love her more than you love yourself, and make sure she feels that way too..

the real me

i waited one week for your reply.. but it is still not here.. does it matter?.. will your reply still make a difference in my life?.. the inspiration and anticipation from your emails seem to have a lesser and lesser effect as the years go by.. it probably had more of an effect last time..

i was again thinking of what u asked from the last email.. that u really wanted to know how i was.. i feel that i don't tell u as much now.. compared to last time.. i wanted to find out so i started reading some of the emails i sent u one or two years back.. i still write about the same things.. always asking the same questions. i realised that the problem evolved through the years and u can clearly see how everything went wrong.. from which point of time.. from which bad decisions that u've made.. it is mind blowing.. to realise how horrible a person i've become..

so do i want to stop?.. is there nothing else in the world worth living for besides whatever i am doing.. am i destined to be like this for the rest of my life?.. drugs, booze, gambling.. all these feel so much more real than you.. they are always here when i am bored.. letting me enjoy the pleasures i was never meant to know..

i want to stop.. to give up all these.. but only because of you.. do you not understand?.. i am so afraid to let u know how i really am.. so scared to let u see how ugly i actually am.. would knowing the truth only make you like me even less? can you not see what i am trying to do.. or do i have to write it out in plain english like this?.. i am sick of telling u i'm okie when everything is wrong in my life.. tired of having to add hahas to sound as if nothing really matters anymore..

what is the point of leaving hidden messages for u to discover or secret puzzles for u to solve.. why do i waste my time in sending u all these songs when.. when i don't even bother to make an effort in life.. i know the things that i have to do.. the mistakes that i've made.. the changes i need to start in my life.. yet i am so tired of doing it.. i chose to give up everything.. just to be able to stay in this moment. but i am crying everyday.. weeping over the guilt i feel every night.. however, when morning comes.. and as i greet this lonely and cruel world without you.. there is no more god.. no more faith.. no more hope.. laziness sets in and u feel that life is not worth living anymore..

it is so hard to change.. to give up the worst things in your life that gives u the greatest pleasures.. it is even harder to keep u as my hope and inspiration.. and with every passing day.. every passing month.. every passing year.. the dream of you being the one to change my entire life.. is slowly fading away.. i tried to hold on to you.. tried to put all my faith in you.. i wanted something to love.. a hope to live for tomorrow.. so that i would give up all these..

but things just never seem to happen.. my problems.. my life.. they only got worst.. maybe it was never meant to be.. maybe it is the distance.. maybe i never really put enough effort into anything.. maybe i should really really give up.. maybe it is not the time yet.. maybe i am trying to live life too quickly.. maybe it is just me.. maybe it is to make the transformation in future more miraculous.. but whatever it might be.. the lonliness and sadness is felt today.. don't tell me the future will be a better place.. it won't be if i don't let it be..

it would be selfish to ask you to spend more time on me..
it would be crazy to ask for your love in this moment of desperation..
but would it be too much if i wanted to love you for the rest of my life?..

*the world is a horrible place because i expect too much..
expect too much from everyone but myself..

MEMORIES !!!

sigh.. having exams...
stress and boring...
no mood to blog...
can't stop thinking of u in the library..
i've already failed one subject...
how many more am i going to fail?..

i guess u must be studying like mad..
4 HDs as usual?... or maybe 3 HDs and 1 D?..

u know.. maybe i am writing too much..
saying something i am unable to do..
thinking of something that is only a dream..

i give up.. i GIVE UP...
u are never here when i need u...
always missing when i need to hear your voice..
they are here too.. waiting for me to let my guard down..
i told you before.. as long as they are here..
you will only be a dream.. my dream...

why dream a dream when that dream is only a dream...
why love a gal when the person you love is only yourself..
why write all these when you can't give her anything anymore...

*i still go ga-ga whenever i read what i wrote for you a few years back...
i have changed.. but my feelings for you have not...

Love was what I felt when I first saw you
I never had the guts to admit it to myself.
Now I can only suffer in silence, wishing that you knew.

How I wish I could be with you day after day.
U bring joy and laughter into my life.
I love you, more than words could ever say.

Zhen De Zhen De Hen Ai Ni.
Hope that one day you might give me a chance.
Everyday I pray alone in the dark,
N wish that someday I would be able to win your heart.

8 Jan 2002

Alizee

i found a pretty angel from France.. her name is Alizee

after watching Alizee’s MTVs,
i wished i was a french fry in France.
after watching Korean dramas,
i wished i was a slice of bbq beef in Korea.
after watching Japanese animes,
i wished i was a piece of sushi in Japan.
but in the end,
i turned out to be a Chinese banana in Singapore.

Depression - The Darkest Seduction

Depression is seen by doctors and medical researchers the world over as a real illness. But do we really think it is just a disease? Or do we still buy into the romantic idea that creativity is somehow linked to this species of suffering?

What would lead anyone to resist the idea of treatment, when there is ample evidence that depression physically damages the brain? Why are people attracted to depressives – do they mistake unresponsiveness for confidence, or see nobility in despair?

Perhaps depression is the last bastion of the view that there is some aesthetic, moral or intellectual value in experiencing illness rather than being treated.

The tradition of heroic melancholy goes back thousands of years – and in and out of fashion. Melancholy covered a host of sins. It is not only what we call major depression. It probably included everything from bipolar disorder to alcoholism and drugs. There was a particular interest in the "melancholic malcontent", a nonconforming, seditious young man, a type admired in Italy. So the notion of rebellious artistic genius going hand in hand with depression entered our culture.

Depressed people speak of themselves both as if they were gravely disabled and as if their illness was some mark of superiority. The tendency to attach value to depression is common enough. Depression can appear to embody an aesthetic, moral or even political stance. There is a left-wing viewpoint in which it represents moral distance from society: minimalism versus mercantilism. There is also a right-wing perspective: the view that one should tough out the suffering without resorting to easy remedies like psychotherapeutic support or medication. Both sides see virtue in experiencing illness rather than seeking treatment.

Depression can be seductive. One example is men who find themselves attracted to women with depression. A woman whom it is hard for them to attract, hard to arouse, one who is withdrawn and unresponsive to them, appears to have a kind of social confidence, the ability to resist men's wiles. And it is not only women. The brooding, unreachable young man, the rebel without a cause – what woman can resist his dark appeal?

Most of the early studies that link mental illness with creative genius looked at schizophrenia and the paranoia associated with it. Recently, some studies have found a possible link between creativity and manic depression – but people who are prone to mania often accomplish lots of things, not just in the arts.

Maybe the notion that depression is linked to creativity is related to the idea that depression is a lot like passion. I like to think that extreme experience informs art and makes a tale interesting; that there may be new realizations that arise from sadness. However at the end of the day, the emptiness, paralysis and terror of depression have only a modest connection to the sadness of everyday life.

In retrospect, maybe depression is nothing more than narrow, flattened emotions. It is very hard to see any actual benefits of depression. If there were, why isn't everyone depressed? Evolutionary biologists argue that the advantage could be that it forces you to stop and drop what you are doing. Yet sometimes depressives carry on with what they are doing, making terrible decisions and sticking to the wrong things.

*i don't think i'm depressed... but i like to think that i am...

丑人的冷笑话

once, there was a KTV singing competition help in singapore..
alot of tall and handsome guys decided to participate..
all could either sing or dance or both...
and there was an ugly and short guy who decided to sing too..
when it was his turn to go up on stage..
he sang,
"我很丑，可是我可以很久！
我很矮，可是我可以让你骇！"

*haha.. 好冷啊！

a wise person once asked me whether i would give up everything and start all over again..
it is like asking a prostitute who has everything now, to go back being poor and give up her social status..
it is like asking a rich womanizer who is never married, to cut off his dick and let it keep it by a single woman who may never ever surpass his achievements
it is like asking a hopeless criminal who have committed unforgivable sins, to believe there is someone greater than him who is ready to forgive him
it is like asking a depressed druggie who has chose to indulge in sinful pleasures, to open his heart to love someone else more than himself

if men, money or science cannot even solve all these..
don’t u think we need something like.. GOD??????...

me and you

maybe reading your horoscope do actually help u get to know youself better..
maybe you can really describe someone according to the particular month they are born in..

maybe i do love myself more than you..
maybe you are right..
maybe..

maybe our love might be like that..
*just maybe..

Sagittarius and Leo
Bold Leo and adventurous Sagittarius form a natural romantic combination -- and you can be best of pals as well! Two Fire signs together ignite blazing passions in the bedroom, for you have an instinctive understanding of each other's deepest needs. You are both quite open in matters of sexual fulfilment, and will happily set about shining your light into the darkest corners.

Leo, the Lion is ruled by the shining Sun and Sagittarius, the Archer, is ruled by fortunate Jupiter. The Sun, centre of our solar system, is the ruler of the heart, so Leo is loyal and true, but loves to be the centre of attention. In the art of love, Leo is ardent and willing, although not necessarily particularly creative. The wise Sagittarian can improve the quality and variety of the lovelife by smoothly introducing new ideas without seeming to ruffle the pride of the Lion, who is after all the King of Beasts. Jupiter loves excitement and finding new horizons, but is happy to be the power behind the throne. Leo loves to shine and to be admired -- and Sag is happy to oblige, though sometimes can get a little tired of the Lion's constant need for stroking. Still you have the lightness of touch to cope with Leo's mighty ego. Since honesty is the key for Sagittarius, this means you can be tactless. Inappropriate "honesty" will wound the vanity of the Lion, so watch out for those claws when the tail is twitching!

Sagittarius, a mutable sign, needs a stronger, more stable partner, while Leo, a fixed sign, needs to be opened to greater possibilities. Sagittarius brings something of a spiritual quality to the partnership, while dignified Leo's grand sense of propriety can smooth the rough edges of your sometimes awkward social personality. Leo can be bossy, vain and demanding, but you are lighthearted and focused on the next big adventure; you can easily bypass the negatives and focus on the positives. You hate to be tied down, but though Leo can be possessive (out of pride and loving to be the centre of attention) the Lion can keep up with your wide-ranging interests and certainly does not mind you coming up with new ideas for lovemaking, adventure and travel. Your natural optimism and willingness to take risks is reflected and underpinned by the deep strength and powerful heart of Leo. Together you make a great team. This relationship will be exciting and potentially long-lasting. It's a perfect match.

Sagittarius the Archer

it's funny..
i believe there is a god, believe in heaven and hell, believe in angels and devils..
but i also have faith in science, in technology and innovation…

it’s not that i believe in horoscopes and shit..
but it is pretty amusing when u can relate your life to your horoscope..

*highlighted are the parts which i think so describe me..
do u think so too?

Mutable, change-loving Sagittarius governs long-distance travel, matters of the higher mind (philosophy, religion and the law), cultural pursuits – and having a good time! It is a fire sign, so Sagittarians are positive, forthright communicators who love travelling – although you do tend to be restless and hate to take orders.

The Sun is bright in Sagittarius. It favours social status, the higher mind and travel, especially in pursuit of idealistic aims in faraway places. Sagittarians are idealists and usually much in demand socially, because you are like a breath of fresh air.

Search for Truth and Knowledge
Sagittarius is a dual sign, which has (of course) both an up and a down-side. The symbols for Sagittarius are the hunter (archer) and the centaur, a mythical half-man, half-horse. These signify the search for truth and knowledge, as well as the constant pursuit of adventure and new ideas. Intellectual curiosity covers a wide range of subjects, but you do get bored and restless when surrounded by dull people or circumstances. You would rather learn on your own, through travel and experience, than endure structured classroom environments and routine work assignments. However, having broadened your knowledge and gained experience in the world on your own, you could become an excellent teacher or administrator in the very educational system you once found so restricting.

You readily adapt to change and home is where you hang your hat. This is both a strength, because it is a survival mechanism, and a weakness because it makes you vulnerable to the demands and influence of others. Frank Sagittarius does not hesitate to give an honest opinion, which can seem tactless at times – although it is rarely your intention to be cruel. You have a ready wit and appreciate the humour in even the grimmest situations.

Energy and Enthusiasm
Needless to say, you much prefer to be the boss in any situation and must constantly watch your tongue in the unhappy event that you find yourself (temporarily!!) in the position of an underling. Before you assess the practicality or worth of what you are doing, before you sort out your true emotions, and before you take time to reason things out intellectually, you have a tendency to shoot first and ask questions later. Communication-oriented Sagittarians are forever bubbling with energy and enthusiasm. Independent and hard to pin down for long, this is the sign of the bachelor, but even married Sagittarians seek to maintain some aspect of personal independence.

Jupiter, the benefic planet of fortune and good luck, endows a generous nature with a friendly, optimistic disposition. A natural politician, you like knowing everyone and going everywhere, for life is something to be enjoyed every day. Addicted to all the good things, you know how to get maximum enjoyment from them, but too much of a good thing can be problematic, and prudence is difficult for most Sagittarians to acquire. Being overly spiritual or too philosophical, for example, gets you too far out of touch with the real world. Despite heroic efforts to be prudent in one area, you can still manage to zoom into bankruptcy by overindulging elsewhere. On the other side of the ledger, your attempts to be prudent can get so far out of line that you can turn into a miser.

Passion for Sports
Enthusiastic Sagittarius has a passion for sports. Physically challenging endeavours of all kinds, including archery, jogging, hang gliding, sailing, and fishing (especially for big game fish) are favorite activities. One big challenge to overcome may be the battle of the bulge, when your fondness for food, glorious food and a good drop finally catches up with you. A natural gambler and risk-taker, you usually come out on the winning side, especially when you try your luck at horse or dog racing. You love music, art, dance, and drama and no doubt have considerable talent in these areas.

Sagittarius rules the thighs, hips, and, to some extent, the feet. Physical problems, however, are apt to be the result of unrestricted diet or an over-indulgent pursuit of other pleasures. Sagittarians are also subject to an overpowering urge to gamble, which can be ruinous for some.

u bastard

PAUL!.. u 'BASTARD'! ...
who do u think u are?...
do you think u are the one for her?...
so u think u are the person that is going to make her happy forever?..

sigh..
加油 Paul.. 不要放弃她..
love is sweet as heaven.. but hurts when all you can do is think of her..
it is hopeful like tomorrow.. but sad that she doesn't even know someone loves her so much..
love is the reason to live.. but also the reason to give up everything..

u know, we never had a single conversation..
but i can feel that we are so alike.. somehow or another..

*don't worry.. he has heard all of your prayers..
and he has sent me to help u secretly... hahah...