Today

hmmm.. the wonderful night just ended..
and i am back to where i was...
sad.. melancholic.. bored.. lonely..
dinner was nice..
but u looked and felt so much nicer than the fish and chips..
all i did over dinner was steal glances at u across the table..
i'm sure u noticed.. and u gave me back a few stares..
we talked.. small talk.. nothing much that would give me motivation..
i wanted to ask u about pot of rice.. but i guess i totally forgot about him.
i tried to foot the bill.. and we ended up playing scissors paper stone..
if u won.. u would not allow me to pay for u ..
i was up 2 nothing.. but u conned me one hand..
in the end.. u won 3-2.. hai.. i could not believe it..
scissors paper stone.. and i lost to a lady...
how dumb is that..
as a result of our little competition..
i totally forgot to keep the Fish & Co. receipt..
now that's even dumber..
i have nothing to remember this date with..
we went back to your hostel.. after grocery shopping..
your room is small and cosy.. a pretty sight..
but all i could focus on were the flowers and gifts all over your room..
i presumed were given to u by that mother pot of rice..
but i saw my gift.. some what paling in significance to the other presents..
hai.. we talked about my bad habits..
my ex drug problem.. but now my smoking and drinking...
i told u i needed motivation to change..
and i would change if i settled down..
but u told me that if i was going to change for someone..
then that change would only be temporary...
how true is that.. i am utterly speechless..
i guess u already knew what i wanted to say..
and i more or less expected that kind of answer from u ..

in the end.. i came back feeling even more sad..
angry that it turned out to be another dinner..
and not something that might or would increase my chances with u ..
hai.. i am back again.. back to my drinking and gambling..
all these will keep me company until u arrive by my side..
hmmm.. maybe until u decide to ignore me totally because of my lack of change..
i don't really care now.. i think my chances are getting slimmer

*maybe we really aren't made for each other..
maybe i need to get my act together..
maybe....