frustrated

finally my national service is coming to an end..
and i thought i can relax and laze around for awhile..
before last week things seem to be much better..
as least it wasn't a burden for me..
i really hate it when things crops up..
and frustrate me beyond my control..
daddy is bugging and nagging me everyday..
he won't give me a single peaceful day..
if i don't start searching for a job..
i realise that no matter how i try to avoid any confrontations with him..
as long as i am not doing the things he expect me to do..
i am unable to escape his irritatingness..
then comes boony and the using of the car issue..
he wants to drive the car to work 5 days a week..
leaving me only the weekends..
nowadays i only leave the house if i'm driving..
other than that i rather stay at home..
i know he has been letting me use the car alot for the past year now..
but what he wants now seems to be too much..
looking back at the times where he had helped me..
makes me feel guilty that i an unable to give in..
years of self indulgence and despair has made me the person i am now..
selfish..
arrogant..
greedy..
and unwillingly to give me to other people's demands..
i consider myself a disgrace..
when i am the eldest in the family..
i rely too much on mei mei, mama and my godmother..
it makes me so angry that i have to listen to anyone's requests..
yet i feel so bad that i am unable to act with a little more kindness..
so many things bottled up inside me..
yet i can find no one to share my misery..
have i brought all this upon myself..
can i not just accept the fact that i can't have my way all the time..
wanted to call miss xx..
but she's either sleeping or busy..
maybe i watch too much anime and dramas..
that i expect her to like miraculously know what i'm going thru..
sometimes i think i believe too much in all those fantasy and dreams bullshit..
that a solution or a person will just drop out of the sky..
so that things will become better on its own..
i hate it when i have to comtemplate and worry about the problems in my life..
i despise this annoying and frustrated feeling i have to go thru..
i detest it..
can everything just disappear in a blink of an eye?

* miracles don’t exist in this world..
** there are only inevitabilities and accidents, and what you’re going to do..