Staring at Pretty Gals

i realise i have a bad habit..
that is i like to stare at pretty girls..
girls that i see walking on the streets..
girls that catch my attention at the first glance..
girls that dress up so cute and beautiful..
well..
not that i have not realised i have such a habit..
maybe i am starting to feel it ain't that good a one..

girls..
pretty girls..
cute girls..
how i wish i can get to know all of them..
hahah..
wishful thinking..
today mei mei caught me staring at a group of gals..
she was like erm erhm..
i turned around and just gave her the look..
the next instant my eyes were focused on another gal..
hahah..
she was like..
CAN YOU STOP STARING!!..
hahah..
in like the middle of bugis junction..
near the fountain..
where so many people were around..

hahah..
i am admiring them..
didn't all these girls dress up to catch people's attention?..
which gal doesn't like that people think they are cute..
har..
which gal..
u tell me..

i am trying so hard not to lose my heart so easily..
fluttering away to any pretty gal i see..
will i stop myself..
will i try and find my true love..
or will i die trying..
at the moment..
things really ain't looking that promising..
i feel as if my heart can be swallowed by a cute gal..
any cute gal that comes up to me..
and makes the first move on me..
hahah..
u shitty piggggg..
when will u ever learn..

* a gal falls in love through her ears..
** a guy through his eyes..

love

sometimes i wonder whether i truly understand love..
is there a universal understanding of love..
love might mean something for someone..
but another person might view it very different..
there is no denying love..
everybody wants to love..
and likes to be loved in return..

the girls i have met..
the girls i have loved..
are these what i am looking for?..
love to me feels so cheap..
love needs to be easy before i even accept it..
i've always believed that i would love a gal..
only if she has feelings for me first..
hence for all the girls i've met..
love does not seem to last long with them..
i get angry so easily..
and can start hating someone the next instant..
am i only filled with selfish love..
will love never be satisfying for me..
when all i look for is something i can love right now..
i hate getting hurt..
i hate being left wondering in doubt about love..
but is my understanding of love so very wrong??..

i've always wished to meet the perfect gal..
to fall in love the perfect way..
to have the perfect love..
but then..
nothing’s perfect..
girl, love and life..
none is perfect..
life is about satisfying yourself..
so you have to choose..
life is about taking chances and making choices..
with which i always seem to be making the wrong ones..
the things i am seeking..
the hugs and kisses i want..
maybe just someone to go out and spend time with..
but after awhile..
these loves do not sustain me..
they can't make me happy..
maybe for that few days..
maybe for that few weeks..
but i wake up soon after..
feeling empty and lonely again..
i might have thought..
one of them could change my life..
no i did thought..
if one of them had, would i have been happier?..
in the end..
none did..

do you know what love is?..
do you even know what your type is?..
can u justify how you lead your life right now?..
are the choices u make right now, going to help u in future?..
i don't know..
but i am sick of deceiving myself..
tried of looking for love that doesn't last..
starting from today..
i am going to try and change..
i am going to look for someone that i truly love..

* you should love yourself, to love others..
** you should be honest with yourself, to give anybody love..

Solace After The Rain

i feel so relieved..
so happy that the deloitte interview went well..
have not been confirmed yet..
but i am most probably going to be employed..
finally..
my first job..
the start of my career in a Big 4..
i have been waiting for this day..
and it has finally arrived..

u left today..
without even texting me good bye..
i wanted to call u before my interview..
but i guess u would not pick up anyway..
i don't blame u..
maybe this is just the way u say good bye..
i wonder what u are thinking about now.
whether u're feeling sad on the plane..
remembering the times we spent together..
i love u my dear..
thank you loving me..
even though it has been a short few weeks..
we said good bye..
promising to visit each other soon..
i hope we both can do something..
to keep the promise alive..

it is going to be the start of a lifelong career for me..
once i start working for deloitte..
i am going to put my heart and soul into the job..
i will crave out for myself a career..
and be very very happy..
am i going to meet gals better than gina?..
of course i am..
but u will always have a place in my heart..
take care my dear gina..
i will see u soon..
very very soon..
i hope..

* if we love someone so much, can we take it that we will be apart one day?..
** is it possible that we love someone, but is not afraid of losing them..

stupid old fashion man

is it just me?..
or is messaging good night to your loved one everyday..
no longer in fashion anymore..
maybe when u start dating..
u would take the time and effort..
to let your darling know..
that she is constantly on your mind..
but what the heck..
why can't u message me good night every night?..
WE FUCKING JUST STARTED DATING..

suddenly i don't feel like blogging..
i don't know why..
i just feel that my emotions are slowly draining me away..
just a little..
cause u are not gone yet..
but u will be..
tomorrow..
we had such a lovely 2 days..
well up till like 6 hrs ago..
and then u just ditched me like a fucking ass..
why am i always the dumb fuck..
being made to wait for hours..
why the fuckkkkkk..

i am fucking angry..
fucking pissed..
and u're leaving tomorrow..
i should be fucking sad..
i wanted to write down all the lovely times we had..
but no..
u had to fucking go and fucking spoil the fucking last day..
always man..
like what the fuck..
fucking last days..
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY..
is it just me..
or does nobody fucking care anymore..
for the fucking last days..
oh my fucking god man..
i've kept your ring away already..
stored it together with all the other useless memories..
we had so many plans..
we decided on so many things today..
but no..
no fucking no..
u just had to piss me off..
well maybe u have no fucking idea..
how fucking pissed off i am right now..
if u didn't want me to wait for u on the last day..
just fucking call me and ask me to fucking go home..
u did not even fucking bother to fucking TELL ME..
how fucking hard is that..
GO HOME..
2 words..
what the fuck man..
and it's like fucking almost 12.30am..
12 fucking 30 am..
i waited for u since 6.30pm..
what are u thinking..
what is going thru your fucking brain right now..
i thought that maybe u could be the first one..
the first gal i wouldn't get pissed at..
u were probably the nicest gal ever..
so far..
the one that cared for me the most..
the one who pampered me so much..
yet..
yet u had to be like all of them..
the fucking rest of them..
and piss me off on the last fucking day..
u know i have a Deloitte interview tomorrow..
yet i was willing to stay out all night..
just to give u a final hug goodbye..
u..
gina niyada..
became like one of the rest..
soon to be written off..
soon to be forgotten..
sigh..
maybe it's just me..
MAYBE IT'S JUST FUCKING ME..

i love u..
i loved u..
i hope i will continue to love u..
i really wish..
that u would keep your promise..
we'll see..
in a few weeks..
in a few months..
whether..
there will be an ever after for us..
goodbye my dear..

* u melted my heart right from the start..
** yet smashed it into a million pieces on the final day..

The FUCKING Sadness After Happiness

i knew it..
just fucking fucking fucking knew it..
good times never last..
what is the fucking point of feeling so happy..
when u get fucked so bad the next moment..
what the fuck is after happiness..
nothing but only fucking sadness..
u deserve it..
fucking serve u right..
happy..
happy some more..
fucking imagine a happy tomorrow..
u totally fucking deserve it..
for thinking that u've finally found your true happiness..
which dumb fuck in this world would think that..
princesses, fairy tales, true love and happy endings..
would ever happen..
these are all just fucking imaginary, movie like dramas..
that would fucking happen to FUCKING NO NOBODY..

deloitte called me this morning..
for an interview next tue..
before i meet gina..
i was really really hoping that they would call me..
to at least give me a chance for an interview..
been looking for a job in a big 4..
for almost fucking 4 months already..
up to the point whereby..
i was willingly to do anything..
accept any job..
as long as it is in a big 4..
i was desperate..
miserable..
feeling so fucked up..
even my brother got a job..
before he finished national service..
after meeting gina..
i had this funny feeling..
that deloitte would be calling me soon..
it is as if something was telling me..
and i was very fucking sure..
so even though i planned to go thailand to spend time with gina..
i was very reluctant to book my air ticket..
and therefore i waited and waited..
i don't deny i wanted the deloitte job alot..
but then gina suddenly appeared in my life..
after i received the call from deloitte..
i was so fucking happy..
yet so fucking devastated at the same time..
my thailand trip is probably almost impossible now..
of course the deloitte job is more important than anything right now..
i don't think i will want to fuck this job interview up..
i need and i will fucking get a job in a big 4..
NO MATTER WHAT..
but gina gave me a glimpse of a possible future..
even though it's only a tiny glimmer of hope..
i am just thankful..
very very thankful i met u..
maybe in a few days time..
i will think that..
even if i go thailand..
and spend like 1 or 2 weeks with gina..
marrying u or spending the rest of my life with u..
is really fucking FUCKING FUCCCCCCKKKKKKING impossible..
so what the fuck am i getting depressed about..
there is nothing to think about..
except GETTING into FUCKING DELOITTE..
we are almost reaching the end..
the fucking end of my imaginary fairy tale with gina..
thank you..
thank you my dear..
thank you my dear for appearing in my life..
i will always..
always always always..
keep u close in my heart..
and i will always wear the ring u gave me around my neck..
always and always..

* true love burns the brightest..
** but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars..

the ring

this is the very first time..
a gal has ever given me a ring..
i mean..
it is always the guy's job to get the gal a ring..
i never expected it..
thank you darling..
u told me that..
the ring was given to u by your mother..
and now u wanted to give it to me..
gosh..
there are so many first times..
when i am with u..
u really really never seem to stop surprising me..

u know..
i really can't believe that we are already talking about marriage..
i mean..
i don't know if u understand..
how hard it is for us to be together..
it is like almost really very unimaginably impossible..
for us to even talk about our future..
yet we are already talking about..
when we are going to get married..
when we are going to have kids..
about the kids we want..
u wanted a boy and a gal..
i said that was fine with me..
then i asked u if u wanted a boy or a gal first..
u said u wanted a boy first..
which was exactly what i was thinking..
hahaha..
i mean..
don't we just think so alike..
then u said..
the boy would be so handsome..
i gave u a face and asked u why?..
hahah..
u said..
cause his papa is very handsome..
hhahaha..
i was like..
couldn't stop hugging and kissing u..
oh my gosh..
i am running out of words to describe my happiness..
i don't know how to express my joy in freaking english..
my my my..
this is really something..
i told u our daughter is definitely going to be so beautiful..
when she grows up..
but u just sticked out your tongue..
and said..
not as handsome as our son..
and then started raining kisses on my face again..
oh my..
i was so happy to the point..
whereby i thought i was just going to burst..
i mean..
i mean..
erh erh..
i don't know what i want to say at all..
i am so in love with u right now..
so so fucking in love..
i hope and i pray..
that we would be given a chance to be together..
i am going to work really really hard..
and earn lots and lots of money..
so that i can make u and our future kids so happy..
i love u darling..
love u like crazy..

* you don't marry someone you can live with..
** you marry the person who you cannot live without..

Gina

have u ever met a girl..
and knew at once..
that this was the girl..
u wanted to spend the rest of your life with..
u meet girls that u know u will never like..
u meet girls that u know will never ever like u..
u meet girls that u know can only remain as friends..
u meet girls that u want to spend just one night with..
u meet girls that u like..
u meet girls that u want to love..
u meet girls that u wish u could spend a little more time with..
and then u meet a girl..
that u know..
from the first instance..
that this is the girl..
that special girl..
that girl that u have always been dreaming about..
that girl that gives u the feeling..
that girl that u want to spend forever with..
that girl that u know..
u want to marry..
u have only been imagining all this while..
the beautiful face of the gal in your fantasy..
the qualities and characteristics of that gal..
u see only from animes..
and the love and affection..
that u have never felt before..
i have met this girl..
and that girl is you..

the first time i saw you..
i thought to myself..
oh my fucking god..
this is the most fucking beautiful gal i have ever seen..
i swear..
fair skin..
cute face..
big eyes..
stunning makeup..
curled eye lashes..
model figure..
perfect breasts..
and the cutest and most adorable smile..
i was staring at you..
jaw dropped..
tongue tight..
utterly speechless..
not able to bring myself to say a single word..
except to tell myself in my heart..
u are the most beautiful gal i have ever seen..
u looked at me curiously..
and asked me if i was ok?..
i was like..
erh..
what is your name?..
u said gina..
and then asked me..
are u japanese?..
i was like huh?..
u said..
u looked jappish..
very handsome..
i was like..
omg..
the most beautiful gal i have just met..
just told me i was handsome..
i grinned at you..
and said..
you are very pretty..
u hugged me..
and whispered in my ear..
thank you..
i almost fainted..
seriously..
god damn..
we've just met.
for the first time..
i..
i..
i erh..
i really don't know what to say..
i've only watched this scenario before..
in an anime..
i can never fucking imagine..
that it would actually happen to me..
never..
god damn..
really..
oh my fucking god..

u talk very softly..
not once raising your voice..
your every movement..
is ever so gentle..
it is as if u're a feather..
floating around me..
u embraced me tightly..
even before i told u my name..
is this love at first sight?..
i don't know about u..
but it fucking is for me..
i fell in love with u..
the moment i saw u..
i don't have the words to describe it..
it is beyond comprehensibility..

no gal has ever..
ever make me feel this way before..
never ever the 1st time..
not even the 2nd time..
u..
u only..
gina..
my dearest gina..
i can't stopping thinking about..
the loving way u tickle me..
the way u innocently grab my hand..
the numerous time u snuggle in my arms..
the outrageous number of times u suddenly say u like me..
the way u put your hands around my head..
and kiss my forehead..
my my my..
my fucking god..
please slap me so hard..
so that i know i am not dreaming..
that all this is fucking happening for real..

u're thai chinese..
your dad is thai..
and your mum is chinese..
u're so beautiful..
because u're mixed blood..
u dress up like an elegant doll..
carrying an LV bag..
u look so stunningly beautiful..
that if i walked past u on the streets..
i would tell myself..
this is a gal that would never ever..
ever ever ever..
fall for a guy like me..
this is a gal that is in a different league from me..
i'm just a stupid ordinary guy..
and she is probably a princess that has been pampered by everybody..
and even if i was allowed to live for a thousand more years..
i would never even have a chance with her..
yet..
this lovely doll like angel..
this freaking beautiful gal of my dreams..
is right beside me..
hugging me tightly..
not wanting to let go of my embrace..
u know what..
even if she was to leave me tomorrow..
i will be ever so thankful..
so grateful that one of my greatest dream..
came through..

u lost your father when u were 10..
and it was only u and your mother..
your mother brought u up well..
and provided everything for u..
your own condo in thailand..
your own Honda Civic..
all the LVs and nice clothings..
i always believed a girl like u..
would only be interested in spending a guy's money..
that u would be a bitch that every ordinary gal..
would be jealous about..
and hated to the core..
yet..
u're humble..
loving..
caring..
shy..
the way u to talk to me..
the way u to talk to your mother..
the way u to talk to people..
no airs..
no arrogance..
not at all pretentious..
even when we go out..
u're very unwilling to let me pay..
i mean..
i expected u to be that kind of materialistic gal..
but hell no..
your honesty and integrity..
really really moves my soul..
i have never..
never ever..
never ever ever ever..
met a girl like u before..
a loving, caring and affectionate girl..
that likes to be taken care of..
that likes to be pampered with love..
yet is willingly to take care of me..
i have no words for u..
i have no examples to describe u..
i really have nothing more i want from u..
u have given me everything..
every single thing i have imagined..
i wish..
i wished ever ever so hard..
the first time i really wish this very fucking hard..
that..
i can ask u this question..

'Will u, Gina Niyada Kaewtangsin, marry me?'

* i love you not because of who you are..
** but because of who I am when I am with you..

1st June 2008

yesterday was one of the best day of my life..
it really was..
i never imagined we would ever meet again..
but we did..
u left me..
so many months ago..
did not even contact me..
did not even reply my sms..
only dropped me one retarded email..
that consisted of only 1 fucking sentence..
how thoughtful can u be..
but still..
fate allowed us to meet again..
u were pretty hostile the first time we met..
after such a long time..
trying to act like u were all tough and shit..
but no no no..
worked my charm on you la..
tiu..
saued u in no time man..
hahahahahah..
why do u always have to pretend u never had feelings for me..
and why do u always have to purposely say opposite things..

we walked around bugis yesterday..
i wanted to hold your hand..
but u refused to let me..
instead u only allowed me to hook your last finger..
hahah..
and what were u thinking?
u said only your boyfriend could hold your hand..
and i wasn't..
later we sat below the DHL balloon..
and watched it rise into the sky..
chilled and talk many things there..
i brought u to Indulgez for dinner after that..
u were so naughty and irritating there..
the place was supposed to be a romantic one..
but u were so loud..
so unlady-like..
u talked and laughed like we were the only persons there..
u ate with your mouth open..
talked while still chewing your food..
so paiseh u know..
the lady from Indulgez offered me a brochure..
told me that they offered wedding events and other functions..
she said something like if i wanted to marry my girlfriend..
or plan a surprise for her..
they could always arrange it..
hahahahaha..
when she said it..
i was just grinning to myself..
you were acting all interested..
and keep nodding your head..
which made the lady go on and on even more..
finally i said to the lady..
maybe i'm still too young to get married..
and we both had a little laugh..
u laughed too..
when the lady left..
u asked me..
what the lady was talking about..
and when i told u..
that u agreed with the lady u wanted to marry me..
u were like..
NOOOOOOOO...
and started pulling my ears..
hahahaha...
now that's fucking cute..
that is the max i know..
and that is the max i love..
u said, "I don't know why u love and like me?"
i just smiled and didn't reply..
well..
u don't need a reason to love somebody..
i love u because u are u..
i love u because u are max..

after dinner..
we walked and strolled around aimlessly..
hand me hand..
at that time..
u wouldn't let go of my arm..
took my hand and led me wherever u want to go
even hugged and kissed me so openly in public..
hahah..
made me kind of embarassed..
BUT I LIKED IT LIKE CRAZY..

when u left..
i thought my love for u will eventually die..
that it would just fizzle away and become a memory..
when u appeared..
i realised i never stopped liking you..
i only took a break..
hahahaha...
maybe we will only see each other for a few days..
maybe we will not even last a week..
but..
as always..
we created another lovely memory..
we spent that wonderful yesterday together..
and we will both remember it..
forever...
forever and ever..
even if i might never see u again..
i will always remember yesterday..
1st of June 2008..

* love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it..
** those who do, will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, will never, never forget it..