lost in loneliness

i'm finally a medic.. an ambulance attendent..
thus begin my vocation in my national service..
i'm not disappointed i was not chosen for best trainee..
why should i be.. do i deserve that award?..
i'm not disappointed i was not chosen for best in theory..
why should i be.. i did not really study hard anyway..

am i getting desperate.. i'm starting to worry about my life...
i've tried to cut down on drinking..
this belly of mine is gradually getting more flabby..
for the first time in my life.. i understand what it is like to be fat..
somehow i can feel what so many girls dread about..
no wonder they get so worried about it..
i hate my tummy.. but i still drink..
occasionally.. when i want to feel the sadness..

suddenly i lost all motivation..
was on the right track when i stopped gambling for good..
then cutting down on the drinking..
i know i am resisting all my temptations..
trying to stop myself from all these evil pleasures...
i hate it.. i hate myself for going back to my old self..

i feel that my entries are getting more narrative..
compared to the entries when i was high..
those entries seemed so much more imaginative..
i crave for those times.. but i know i can't go back..
i yearn for those feelings of absolute freedom..
yet all i feel now is this emptiness...

i am lost in loneliness..

* this song is for the girl in black at Wheelock Place Coffee Bean this afternoon
** Hong Jun Yang - Hua Yi Ge Meng
*** it is sad.. your face is slowly fading away from my memories