it just doesn't feel the same anymore

hmmm.. fighting with a pot of rice?..
who u think will emerge as a winner..
a druggie vs a pot of rice..
wtf right.. i mean.. wtf..
i don't really know how to describe my feelings for u right now..
i want to announce to the whole world.. that me..
me.. the druggie is going to ask my dream gal..
if whether she will give me a chance to court her..
but should i ask you that question?.. should i..
please tell me...
i don't really know what i should do right now..
i wanted to change even more.. be more settled down first.
probably even get baptized first or even find a job..
before i will spend all my time on you..
but BUT.. BUT u had to 为 some donkey 动了情..
why ???.. i waited.. for you..
hai.. i'm supposed to be nice to u just in case u really choose pot of rice..
but at the same time i'm supposed to be only nice to u cause u're not ready..
wtf right.. then what about me..
what if i need a girl beside me right now.. what if i really let you choose pot of rice..
what if .. u tell me la..
i'm really sick of this waiting game..
but u and that freaking pot of rice seems to like it so much.
patience huh.. trying to cultivate some in me right..

it's probably a good thing that there was someone else besides me.
whatever u thought or hope might happen is coming true..
i'm freaking panicking and starting to feel fustrated..
fuck i hate competition.. but i will at least do something..
fuck.. whatever..

*i started to smoke again.. when i thought i might lose to him..
now who's fault is that?..

Tired

nothing much to post..
didn't really think much of u two these few days..
well.. was thinking a little of dream gal..
not much.. don't really know what to do right now..
i've ask for guidance from above..
i'm going to leave everything to him for the moment..
i guess i really do want to trust him more..
well.. if we are meant to be.. he'll lead u to me..
in the meantime.. i shall be working hard in my life..
controlling and supressing my desires..
training hard for my national service.. as a faggy fireman..
haha.. yes.. civil defence.. haha..
laugh all u want mate.. he chose it for u..
u know.. i really think that it is not a bad choice after all..
although i am sulking and fussing a little..
he really is looking after me.. allowing me not to go through so much shit..
well.. it's probably a different kind of shit..
haha.. still have a chance to be an officer..
that's my goal.. not going to be some faggy man or service site bull..
i'm going to work hard.. try my best in whatever i do..
went running today.. after 2hrs of ping pong yesterday...
ping pong again tomorrow.. hahah.. i'm starting to sound like Forest Gump..
life suddenly feels so relaxed.. so easy.. so beautiful...
just close your eyes.. and let everything fall into place..
i've changed my mind again.. maybe i still want dream gal afterall..
haha.. with all the i can't make up my mind crap..
maybe he is waiting for me to decide.. after which he will serve me the gf dish..
well.. come get me gals.. before i make up my mind..
haha.. otherwise it might be too late then..
tired but happy..
i wish everyday will be more like today..
suddenly have a crazy idea of getting baptized...
hahah.. maybe the time has really come..
i do feel the calling and holy spirit and blah blah blah..

anyways.. sis bought me a polo tee today..
it's kind of a funny colour.. dirty brown with red stripes..
haha.. thanks mei.. haven really bought u anything since i came back..
will make a mental note to buy u something when i have the money..

*No smoking - Day 3

the girl who forgot her password

i didn't mean to check your email.. i was just curious..
i wanted to find out whether u were checking my mails..
now i regret checking it..
cause u aren't..
i am devastated.. i feel that u have been wasting my time all along..
u're just like her.. u're another her..
why bother telling me to send u anything when u probably forgot your password..
u're as un-emotional as her.. u're starting to feel like another her..
why do i seem to like girls that feel nothing...
why do i seem to waste my time doing things that these people don't even appreciate..
i am going to take a chill right now..
to see how things turn out..
i guess we really are destined to be friends.. just friends..

as for the other one.. nothing really much to say..
no feelings.. no contact.. nothing..
feelings die after awhile.. dreams fade away after some time..
in my hopelessness.. i am starting to feel stronger..
i am even more determined to stop smoking..
maybe this is what i should be doing..
turning my anger and can't be botheredness into something useful..
afterall.. i want to help myself..
i want to create a future for whoever i am going to be with down the road..
i am still thinking of u.. i am still waiting for u to give him up..
i want to hear from your mouth u don't have any feelings for pot of rice..
other than that.. i will be silently waiting for u..
yeah u might be the most perfect girl in the world..
but for me.. i can only love someone the way i want to love them..
can u wait?.. i have been waiting for a few years now..
i want someone to tie me down.. want someone to stop all this crazy shit..
will that someone be u?.. or will it turn out to be someone else..
don't think u're the only perfect one..
if u want something.. fucking tell me..
cause i've already told u what i want..

*No smoking - Day 1

make up your mind

i realised today.. i can't make up my mind..
i want to commit.. i want a gal in my life..
i need love.. i need to tell someone i love her everyday..
i crave for company.. i wish to hear someone's voice everyday..
hahah.. not yours.. mummy or daddy..

until now u still haven chosen that pot of rice..
has he been trying hard?.. hahah.. good for u..
i wish i knew more about his 'tactics'.. so that i can laugh at him..
i asked your best friend whether u have fallen for him yet?..
all she says is she doesn't know..
but i mean u still haven given him an answer for so long..
obviously rite.. dickhead.. u don't stand a chance..
it's just whether i can grab my own opportunity...

hai.. i have already thought about it.. analysed it..
talked about it.. slept on it..
but the conclusion i have come up with is that..
i am ready to commit to u anytime.
but i'm still not ready to commit to god..
i mean i'm trying.. although not very hard..
but think about my past... at least i'm not on drugs or gambling anymore.
i know smoking can NEVER be acceptable.. and i am trying..
and i told u rite.. i will be drinking when i come back..
hai.. what i said to u before is slowly coming true..
anyway does your character suit mine?..
do u think we look good side by side?..
do u think we can make a future together?..
positive goes well with negative..
u're the happy one.. i'm the sad one..
u're the god loving one... i'm the just a little not god loving one..
heck.. i give up ..
i really do..

*don't want to think about u..
u just made me depressed again...

Back To Square One

hai.. is life never perfect.. or do i expect too much perfection..
silently my little angel grew up..
little angel is no more..
how i wish sometimes u will always be the little gal in the photo..
a quiet and demure gal whom i can't stop being nice to..
a little damsel in distress who drives me nuts..
where are u little angel.. where are u...

why do i expect u to remain who u are forever?...
have i not changed.. have i not grown mature..
so as i have grown up.. so have u..
aah.. suddenly i don't feel special anymore..
suddenly i don't feel like calling u by your full name..
suddenly u seem like just another gal i'm nice too..
it's not u.. it's me..
i'm living in my own crazy fantasy world of little gals and MCPs..

after tonight's sad and slow drinking session..
i finally got to know the real side of one friend..
boy did he not knock me out..
maybe dream gal and pot of rice is really meant to be together..
God.. they seem so made for each other huh..
maybe it's what you have planned for them..
can i know who is my happiness..
can u give me some clues to where my life is heading?..
i promise you i will start giving more to the church..
i promise you i will start believing more in you..
to have more faith.. and to rely more on the guy above..
not too much.. but i'm going to start praying more seriously..
to give more thanks to you for such a blessed life..
to say grace for the things you have bestowed upon me..
i thank you.. Father..
show me the way...

*amen...

Something is NOT very right

wtf????.. already 4 posts in one week..
am i trying to break my record number of posts in a week?..
nah... i'm just recording the slow gradual increase of the number of times i think of you..
lol.. idiot me.. i shouldn't be doing this..
but it's okie i guess.. at least it makes me happy..
at least it helps me think less of her..
at least i feel less depressed or sad..
at least i have something to look forward to when the weekend approaches..
at least.. at least i have another friend to go out with..

so funny.. i was just complaining how boring singapore was a few weeks ago.
yet suddenly.. suprisingly.. i have been so busy last week and this..
friends.. ice creams.. teapots.. blah blah blah.. just seem to appear out of the blue..
i'm not complaining.. lol.. why should i.. it feels great.
feels great to be around friends.. around so much ice creams..
haha.. u'll probably think i'm mad..
but it doesn't feel normal when there are people around me..
i am so used to being alone.. and it was starting to feel okie and normal..

hai.. maybe i shouldn't think so much of you..
are u just going to end up being another her?...
mad fool.. u're already thinking of what to get her..
when her birthday is like fucking 4 months away..
hahah.. infatuation??.. crush?.. fling??.. more than friends??..
lol.. how should i describe it..
i hope it doesn't become a problem.. lol..
will it???... we'll see..

*stay tuned...

lazy eye and little mole

(: (: (: .. is this your favourite smiley face??...
does it mean that u're happy..
does it mean that i made u happy for one day..
does it.. does it??..

well u wouldn't know.. but u made me stop smoking for one day..
ONE DAY.. it might not be alot.. but considering i never stopped before..
it is not too bad an achievement.. siah..

u said that u wouldn't go out with guys that are in love wif u..
so u wouldn't go out wif me anymore if i fell in love wif u one day?..
that would be sad..

well.. to be honest.. i am more emotional than u think..
more manic and depressed than u can imagine..
i guess we aren't watching Marry the Mafia 2 together anymore huh..
sob sob... i feel like smoking suddenly..
sigh.. it was a wasted one day afterall..

*best friends we shall be..
motivate me you must..
love you i shall not..

2.12am 14 Feb 2006

it is already so late at night.. yet i am unable to fall asleep..
i still have to work at 8.30 am.. what am i supposed to do??
as i tried lying on the bed.. all i can think of is you..
no, not u dream gal.. i don't seem to dream much nowadays..

did u receive my msg?.. u must be fast asleep at this time..
u'll probably read it first thing u wake up in the morning..
don't know why but u seem to be the gal i think about nowadays..
u're the funnier one.. the one that i talk to more often..
the one that i see online more often.. the one i msges more often..

i think i am more or less over dream gal..
it's just that i need more time to totally get over you..
it is unhealthy u know.. to always be upset over you...
to drink and sprout sad things about the past..
i realise from other people.. u like to tell the world who is in love with you..
when u always seem secretive and talk so little about yourself..
do u feel proud that so many people like u..
do u feel that it is some achievement that u're so perfect..
i hate it when i laugh at the guys that u've rejected..
i was almost one of them.. was i?.. or did i chicken out just in time..
will i be remembered as someone who liked u before?..
or will i be someone who gave u up before u rejected me..
afterall.. all i said was that i am in love with u..
i did not ask you to love me..
but u know.. it might take sometime before i can totally get over u..
to not get upset or drink whenever i see u close with someone else..
it's okie.. i don't hate u.. in fact i'm going to be nicer to u..
we will still be good friends.. one sided friends at least..
as it has always been..

ah.. miss xx.. has your time come?..
on a sleepless 2006 Valentine's Day morning.. all i can think about is you..
unlike previous valentine's day.. when i was thinking of someone else..
from your cousin.. she mentioned we had a fling..
lol.. i do not even recall having a fling.. or did we?..
please explain the definition of a fling?.. i am so very curious..
do u still keep my messages.. i am starting to keep yours..
she said we keep on talking on msn and email often..
what do u think?.. lol.. how much to an extent is she right?..
ahhh.. pls tell me .. dearest miss xx..
i went gah gah and couldn't stop smiling to myself..
when she told me u reacted differently when i was around..
well.. maybe i was too busy looking at other things..
but my eyes are fixed on you right now..
grow up faster.. heheee.. i can hardly wait until u're 18..
if that is the ideal age that the CHURCH thinks dating is acceptable..
well at least i have 1 or 2 more years to change..
i hope i don't change for the worst in that stupid military shit..
keep an eye out for me too huh..

*Happy Valentine's Day... little teapot..

Miss xx's cousin

found a drinking gal pal today.. and went drinking together..
turns out that she is underage and is the last person i thought would be a drinker..
sometimes it makes me wonder...
whether life was meant to occur in a straight line..
whether the things we expect would actually turn out how u want them to be..
she's only 17 yet talks and socialises like a 20 yr old..
dresses smart and mature..
it should be becos of her work and stuff..

drinking.. one of my bad habits..
didn't expect to find someone who would drink with me..
she says she is moderating it.. but i feel that it might ruin her in future.
everything always starts with a little..
everytime we say we are in control..
but how soon will it be when she can't handle it..
i know.. i've been there.. i've seen it unfold right before my eyes..

was i wrong to encourage her to drink even more..
but who am i to say anything when i myself crave that sensation..
alcohol is merely a toy whom we adults like to play with..
it is no different like computer games.. or chocolates or even eating..
we do the things that make us feel good..
we need to destress whenever the world starts feeling unbearable..

we talked alot.. about miss xx.. about dream gal..
i never realised my cousin was in love with miss xx once..
neither did i realise miss xx felt that he wasn't her type..
i vowed to hate anyone who bullies or makes my family sad..
but now i don't know whether to be nice to miss xx anymore..

i told miss xx's cousin that miss xx drove me nuts..
i wonder whether she might end up telling her..
from our conversation it seems that miss xx seems to like me too.
as in.. like .. maybe not love.. maybe a little more than friends..
but she said that it is pretty obvious that i treat miss xx more than normal friends..
i wish miss xx was born a few yrs earlier.. but does it matter..
after all it might be the age difference that is making everything so interesting..

now it seems that i am really contradicting myself..
everyone seems to say that about me..
am i no longer in love with dream gal..
why do i keep complaining i don't have any motivation to change..
maybe i want dream gal or miss xx to accept me for who i am..
but with my smoking and drinking habits..
they won't even consider me one bit...
so it's just like the egg and chicken question..
should the egg come first or the chicken..
how am i to change in order to ask the gal to love me..
when i need the gal to love me in order to change..

*thanks.. it is really a bad analogy

sunday service

u looked so beautiful on sunday.. ever so pretty.. ever so perfect..
i used to admire u from far.. and dream about us while u sing..
but now.. i don’t have the courage to look at u anymore..
i felt so small.. so inferior to u..
you are everything.. i am nothing..
you are a goddess.. i am a useless piece of shit..
i always imagine that when i come back.. i would change totally.
i would stop doing the things i am not suppose to do..
you ask me not to change for you.. why would u ask me that..
can u not imagine a beautiful future of us.. can u not even help
i know u probably have been waiting for me to change..
u probably also have been trying hard last time..
but it never got thru.. and u probably are tired after so long..
sigh.. u know.. the things i do have become me..
they are no longer bad habits.. they are me..
i am so afraid i might end up like your father..
speaking of him.. i hope he is recovering speedily..
i want to ask about my ‘future father-in-law’..
but i don’t seem to try hard enough..
not once have i gone to the hospital.. not once have i ask you about him..
maybe i am too selfish.. i wish i have the heart to love others more..

somehow.. i don’t feel the holy spirit in me…
somehow.. i feel that this tree of mine is not bearing any fruits..
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..
i see only a few in me.. and i don’t really give a damn..
even if i claim to live by the Spirit.. i don’t think i have really kept in step with it..
will u only love someone who is full of HS.. someone who is as perfect as u..
is he the one.. and me not the one..
tell me.. i want to hear it from your mouth..
then i will be able to give up.. to wake up from this pathetic dream that is going nowhere.
don’t tell me you are not perfect enough for me.. that’s bull…
tell me you don’t love me.. tell me there is no future if i don’t change..
for then i might change for good.. or give u up forever..

i hate u Benjamin Deng Guo Fan.. i will hate u forever..
i will never talk to u again.. as long as u are still in love with her..
but i have to admit.. u deserve her more than me..
u probably can give her more things i can’t give her..
u know wat.. fuck u .. i hope she will never love u..

*is it me not trying hard enough..
or is it u not giving me a chance to try anymore..
**tell me.. please fucking tell me..

February 2006

helleo.. 1st of February.. goodbye January..
so many things happened and i don't really know what to type..
i have been reading thru some of my recent posts..
and i realise i have been kind of lazy and sloppy..
i use to triple edit my posts when i write things about you..
but now i just seem to spend less time and effort in posting..
maybe because i am starting to realise i am writing to no one..

chinese new year is going to end soon.. and a new year arrives..
time really flies.. and it waits for no one..
3 years ago.. i started having a dream about u..
i kept telling myself u were the girl i was going to marry..
the girl that was going to change everything in my life..
but slowly.. we drifted apart.. and i got worst..
there is no point waiting for time to make dreams reality..
i know.. cause i have always been waiting for time..
kids.. don’t believe that fairy tales come true or all that bullshit..
dreams never happen if you don’t work hard or make an effort..
the world is too competitive and selfish..

anyway.. had a good Chinese year gambling and eating..
i seem to always win during Chinese year.. haha..
blackjack and mahjong.. i gamble everything under the sun..
maybe i am made for small time gambling..
cause i always seem to win when i keep things small..
stopped soccer betting for almost 3 weeks..
but started again with my dear cousin during CNY..
i didn’t lose much.. but it just seem to confirm my theory..
i wasn’t made for big time gambles.. unlike my cousin..
anyway.. i really want to stop soccer betting…
and i want my cousin to stop together with me..
i’m afraid both of us might lose control in future and start to bet even more
i don’t know what it is.. but i think my advice is going thru..
both of us have decided to take a chill and stop for awhile..
i know gambling is so in both of our blood.. i can feel it..
it is a distinct trait and has come to define our character..
but to all the girls out there… we are going to start changing for you..
lol.. at least we are going to try..
we know that ultimately when we start a relationship or family..
we won’t be able to hold on to it and you girls at the same time..
for we also want to find good and perfect girls from church..

i won’t edit my posts anymore.. cause i don’t have the time..
but i won’t stop changing.. trust me.. believe in me..
and it would help if you were more friendly..
i know it might give me the wrong signals and shit..
but heck.. if we were so made for each other..
and if we are so going to be together in future..
being more friendly would just quicken my change..

*haha.. maybe i’m starting to dream again..
sigh.. i only just woke up.. what am i thinking…
** the emails are in Morse code.. won’t tell u how to decode it yet..
*** i love this song.. i love you

在主爱中

清晨照耀，天空照耀，仿佛对我微微笑

阵阵微风，徐徐吹扫，逍遥自在白云飘

鸟语花香，绿草如茵，青春时光多美好

轻轻欢唱，静静观赏，烦恼全都不见了

在基督里，享受主爱，自由奔放了开怀

世上没任何事物能够隔绝神的爱

在基督里，享受主爱，自由奔放了开怀

我要赞美，我要歌颂，造物主的奇妙爱

呵……